Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.
I'm in control of my life.
Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the moment. answers. But once in a while, as I'm merrily (or not so merrily) swinging along, I look ahead of toward me. It's empty, and I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness going to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well-known bar to move to the new one. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I know most of the right questions and even some of the right me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging
Each time it happens to me, I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to grab the new one.
But in my knowing place I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moment in time I must hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar.
Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing that I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in a bottomless chasm between the bars.
I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a “no-thing," a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid the void, where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.
And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang out in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.
But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the come to believe the pseudo-change that lasts only until the next time my old buttons get punched. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because past is gone, the future is not yet here." It's called transition. I have that it is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not
The Essene Book of Days